I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
