You're like the curious george of whores
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I touched a dick in church today
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
