Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
