Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
