Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
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Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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