My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
