Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I cut my penus on the lid.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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