Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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