He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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