You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
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admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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