i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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