dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
