Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
