It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
