Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
