A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
