I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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