Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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