I want to walk on stilts...naked
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
