There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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