Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
