I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
