"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm passing your future prison.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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