He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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