I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
