Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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