i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
