is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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