We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
