I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
