I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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