why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
