Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
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you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
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This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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