I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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