Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
