I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
