i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
