I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
