Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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