so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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