Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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