Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
