I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
vagina is talking i cant
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
