My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
