I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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