so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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