Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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