I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
