I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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