Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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