When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
