Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She's the barista slut.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
