Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
