Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
