drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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