it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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