I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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