was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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